All Hail the Big Bum

*Looks around nervously*

It has to be said, I've been slightly (like Hitler was slightly nasty) slack as of recent. I guess you could say I'd lost my blogging mojo, hopefully this is the start of its return!

To ease myself back in (stop scoffing - I know it's not that taxing) I thought I'd have a look at how those of you that have been clinging on to this blog have been finding me. 

Leggings are not pants

Quite right readers, they are not! It's nice to know that you lovely lot have some fashion sense. 

People like to annoy me

It's true. But then again, so do I. Mum, Nan and I went to a Christmas shop this week and I spent the entire time tugging on my Mum's sleeve saying "Wow, look at this. Mum. Mum. Muuuuuuuuuuum."

Naked brunette

I'm sure I've disappointed a hell of a lot of people with this one. 

Kirsty Allsop's big arse

Lets make a couple of things clear;

1) I've never mentioned Kirsty Allsop on this blog.

2) I LOVE Kirsty. Her homemade Christmas decorations are something to behold! 

3) Big is better. 

4) Kirsty and Phil Spencer are almost a good a duo as Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield. 

From now on, I promise to blog more often. Even if I have to blog about Kirsty and what I'm sure is a wonderful behind. 

Top 5 Truths for Men (According to Women)

Today I thought I would pay homage to our knowledge, allowing us to share our collective wisdom with one another so that we can grow and heal and go forth in happiness and new found wonder. Let us revel in the secrets/truths that have been eating away at us. Men, listen up.

1) Chocolate is health food. It is good for our sanity. When I am Queen of the Universe I will demand calorie free chocolate.

2) That bad hair/make up/face day when you run out of calorie free chocolate and decide to leg it to the supermarket is the day that you will bump in to every person that you know. Men, if you see a woman in this state, do not approach her.

3) Now - this may cause controversy. Big pants are comfier than small pants. I don't mean the control pants that cut off all circulation between the breast and knee. Not the ones that make it impossible to sit/stand/breathe/eat. Not them. They are evil and interfere with the consumption of chocolate, something which we have already ascertained that I like. No - I mean a French knicker, or a girly boxer. It's a more pleasant thing to wear than a tiny piece of string between your cheeks. I like to feel secure and slightly supported by my pant. And I want my pant to be concealed by my clothing also. When I am Queen of the Universe, it will be law that all pants will be concealed in public.

4) Women are not good at keeping secrets. They eat away at us from the inside. It doesn't count as breaking a confidence providing that you only tell your other half, or your mum, or people who don't know the person whose secret is being blabbed, or checkout staff, or strangers at bus-stops, or your best friend - unless it's their secret. By decree of the Queen of the Universe, 'secret keeping' automatically includes the above provisos.

5) Whether we want to admit it or not, we all hate someone for no reason at all. Over the years I can think of several women that haven't done a thing to me yet I actively spend my time hating them.

What truths do you want to throw in there? Is there anything that you think the men-folk of this world ought to know?

Autumnal

Whilst much of the country bemoans the end of our (somewhat soggy) summer, I have been welcoming (one of) my favourite seasons. I love Autumn.

My most obvious reason is that Autumn rolls in to winter which brings with it Christmas, twinkly lights and selection boxes.

However, I equally like the fact that Autumn equals cardigans. I LOVE cardigans. Cardigans, coats and jumpers. I love chunky ones, long ones, plain ones, owl print ones, fitted, baggy, new and old, complete with holes. I find a lot of comfort and joy in a sleeved woollen.

My favourite recent purchase!

I like that the nights are closing in. Tonight for example, the blinds were pulled by 6 and I was in my pyjamas.  Now all I need is for winter to hit so that it's dark by 3pm.

Despite wanting to chuck the contents of the kitchen bin at trick or treaters (you have been warned) I even love Halloween. I love seeing the effort people have put in to carving their pumpkins, plus it means that bonfire night is just around the corner.

Maybe this year I'll realise that a bonfire night parade is made up of professionals and that it's not a free for all. Joining in probably wasn't my finest moment, but it was one of my favourite's.

And did I mention that I LOVE Christmas?! Today I started my new position as "Head Elf" (I'm the gift department coordinator) and I've even gone as far as saying that if they want me to (Okay, I want me to) I will wear a costume!

I love the colours of the trees, I love curling up under a blanket with a good book and I love baking christmassy treats.

So, I am welcoming the new season with open, cardigan wearing arms.

Happy Autumn, you lot.

(P.S - After nearly a month off, I'm back. I've missed you bloggy folk!)

Alive & (not) Kicking

It would appear that I had forgotten about you all. Big hugs and sloppy kisses!

On second thoughts, I have a cold/man flu so maybe I'd better hold on to those wet ones for now.

I promise to return to you all with numerous anecdotes (like the fact I managed to rip my trousers at work - and didn't notice for eight hours. Oh and did I mention I was wearing hot pink underwear?) as soon as I've had a decent nights sleep.

Anyway, enough about my trouser ripping, how have you wonderful folk all been?!

The Shiz That We Say, Volume VI (The wait, that makes sense, edition)

I don't write one of these for months and then two come along at once. You lucky folks. This one however, got me thinking. Initially it was "you're an idiot" swiftly followed by "that's a genius idea".

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This week Mikee and I went to a safari park with two of our best friends for Mikee's birthday. Upon driving through the bear enclosure we were greeted with the metal 'cattle' grates that are meant to stop the animals from making a get away. 

Ian: What's the point in those? Couldn't the bear just roly poly over the top of them? 

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Touché Ian, touché.

Word.

Given that I've studied 'Media' for SEVEN years, you would think that I know a little bit about films. 

You would think wrong. 

I have never watched any of the 'Bourne' films and I know not a thing about them. I know that most people have seen them or are at least aware of the storylines. This was however, not something that I thought that I would ever hear from my nan.

My eighty-six year old nan. 

That's right, not only has she heard of the films, she's watched them. 

By this point I was starting to feel that my nan was a little cooler than I am. And then, today, I walked in to her house and saw this on the sofa. . .

. . . and that is when I realised that she isn't a little cooler than I am. She wipes the floor with me. She reads Company, watches the 'Bourne' films and finds Tom Daley quite attractive.

Word. 

The Shiz That We Say, Volume V

It's been a while since I've done one of these, Mikee just hasn't been stupid enough as of recent. However, this week, we struck gold. Unfortunately at my expense. . .

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A friend is telling me some of the name ideas that he has had for his new bambino.

Mark: If it's a boy, we were thinking of Joseph Michael.

Me: That's my boyfriend's name!

Mark: *Quizzical look*

Me: Oh, wait, no it's not. 

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Let us not forget that Mikee and I have been together for over four years. You would think his name would have sunk in by now. My only defence is that Mikee has been so obsessed with Joseph Gordon-Levitt of late that I've merged the two together in my head.

Josep... I mean Mikee's man crush. Hell, my man crush. 

Pah, he wishes.